Why did you do that?
Why didn’t you answer the phone?
Why did you look at her like that!?
Dang. Calm down. I can explain!
Why-based questions make people feel defensive. Often, why-based questions make conflicts worse, explained Jack Shafer a former FBI agent, in his book, The Like Switch. Agent Shafer spent his career flipping spies – convincing spies from other countries to spy for America. People feel accused and dig their heels in. They fight. Things get worse.
When you need information from someone, it’s a better choice to use what-based questions.
These statements feel…less accusatory.
What made you decide to do that?
What was the reason you didn’t answer the phone?
What were you looking at when you looked at her just now? (as if you looked at another woman in front of your girlfriend)
Yes, I know – the what-based question can feel a little bit clunky. Not as smooth. A little awkward. But that’s okay.
But you’ll probably notice that besides eliminating the harsh-feeling WHY, what-based sentences also force you to rephrase in a way that makes it more about the issue and less about the person:
Why didn’t YOU answer the phone? becomes
What was THE REASON you didn’t answer the phone?
Now, the person can explain the situation, the reason, what happened, rather than feeling personally attacked.
It’s the reason, not them.
Conflicts Suck.
Fighting with people you love is hard. We all just want to defuse a fight as fast as we can. But too often, we end up throwing gasoline on the fire.
Why-based questions are, in my experience, gasoline. I’ve been swapping whys for whats as much as I can in the past five or so years, and I fully agree with Mr. Shafer on this. It works. I don’t always think fast enough to do it, but I try as hard as I can.
One goal of conflict resolution is for both parties to feel heard – to feel listened to. Then, they’re more likely to feel ready to work together to resolve the issue. Attacking each other personally only makes things worse and doesn’t solve the core issue.
Everyone fights with family.
Everyone fights with girlfriends or boyfriends.
Everyone fights with co-workers from time to time.
It’s not about eliminating conflicts – they’re just a reality of life. Rather, it’s about finding ways to more quickly resolve them. What-based questions are a great way to do that.
Go fight better.
Next time you feel yourself getting mad, before that accusation slips your lips (WHY WOULD YOU DO THAT!?) think of a way you can bend it, mold it, re-work it, into a WHAT.
It’ll save you a lot of yelling, time and heartache.
Recommended Reading
I really loved the book The Like Switch. The author, a former FBI agent, shares his methods getting people to trust him. The goal isn’t to be manipulative, but rather tap into social cues that help people feel at ease, so they can see the real you and open up.
Check it out here: The Like Switch: An Ex-FBI Agent’s Guide to Influencing, Attracting, and Winning People Over