Who struggles with finding new hobbies?
(raises hand)
Who struggles meeting new people and making lasting friendships?
(also raises hand)
I’ve struggled mightily both finding hobbies and new friends as an adult.
And I’m not alone. Women tend to be better at developing and maintaining relationships and hobbies than men. I’m a prime example and I bet you are too. As a guy, finding new hobbies and making new friends is a difficult thing.
It starts with self-awareness
What makes you happy?
What makes you feel whole?
What kind of activities are you into? What kind of people give you energy?
What make up the big pieces of your identity?
Self-complexity is a term that refers to the number of different ways with which you create your sense of self.
High self-complexity means you have lots of things that make you feel whole and satisfied with your life, and are less prone to a downward spiral if a relationship sours or you lose your job, get injured or can’t continue with a hobby.
Or, if you’re a low self-complexity person like me, you might lose your only source of purpose and passion all at once…
22 years worth of my life was wholly consumed by my baseball career.
I was a baseball player. Full stop.
Anything else I was or was doing was just noise. It was only baseball. I was only baseball.
That was a piece of me large enough to block out the sun. Despite being a smart, well-adjusted person, I was certainly low in self-complexity. My roles as a student, brother and son took a distant back seat as my baseball career took center stage. I had no other legitimate hobbies, and still have very few.
Are you the same way? A lot of men are.
Seeking out new things and new people will almost certainly provide a worthwhile boost to your life. At the very least, it gives you cushion, a fallback for when things and relationships inevitably come to an end.
The Ferrari
Imagine this: you’re driving across the country by yourself. You’re in a Ferrari and there’s no trunk, only two seats and it’s just you. Alone. Driving. You’re cruising along, happy and content. The roar of the engine is sublime. You look super fucking cool because you’re in a Ferrari. Life is good.
Then, the engine sputters. You break down in the middle of nowhere. No cell service. Nothing.
What happens?
You feel desperate, devastated. You’re completely stuck. Going nowhere with no support. You’re no longer super fucking cool.
That was how I felt after my baseball career suddenly ended. I was cruising along, and then wham! – 22 years of baseball was over from one day to the next. Baseball was my Ferrari and I was completely reliant on it. I was no longer whole. I felt hollow, without purpose.
The pickup truck
But what if you’re driving a big, 4-door pick up truck? You’ve got your sister in the passenger seat. You’re close with her. Two good friends are in the back, in the extended-cab.
And in the truck bed, there’s an e-bike for each of you. Plus books, painting supplies, pots and pans, a video game console and a big tent for camping. You love to cook. Your friends love to hike. There’s also a set of golf clubs and tennis rackets.
How does breaking down in the middle of nowhere affect you now? Big, well-equipped truck with friends alongside?
This is how people with high self-complexity live: they have lots of options – numerous meaningful things to do and people to be with.
And, if any one thing breaks – like a friendship ends or they lose their job – there’s plenty of other stuff to keep them afloat. They have other friends. Other hobbies. Other good stuff to lean on while they find new work, replace a broken relationship or wait for the tow truck to arrive.
How to find new hobbies: say yes to stuff
I’m yet to meet one person who says it’s easy to make friends as an adult, or to find new hobbies.
But honestly, the advice on how to do it – and I subscribe to this myself – is that you just have to say YES to stuff and give it an honest try.
It’s not complicated, but not easy, either.
For me, I didn’t know that I was a…kind of artsy person, even though I have no drawing skills. I attended a painting-while-drinking-wine class and really liked it. Well, I liked the painting part. Wine’s not my thing.
Anyway, I bought a painting set, though that habit hasn’t stuck. I also tried to play the banjo…for about a week. I think I’ll eventually go back to both.
I do a lot of graphic things tied to my business and really enjoy it. Digital art works for me, freehand…not so much.
But I never would have known that had I not said yes to leveling up my design skills and taking an Adobe Illustrator course. I’ve tinkered and tried lots of things. Some stick, others don’t – that’s the process, and the magic is in the trying.
I never would have met my core group of friends had I not signed up, solo, to play social kickball in my new city. When I moved to DC, I knew no one here. Now, I’ve got a lot to be thankful for.
I almost always say yes to concerts.
Always say yes to going to museums or events.
Always say yes to something that will force me to try a new skill.
Always say yes to spending a little money to see if a new skill or habit will stick.
I always say no to spoken-word poetry readings, but look – we all have our limits, okay?
And, I mostly say yes to new group social events, even though I don’t end up liking most people.
You just never know what lies a little further down the rabbit hole.
So, you keep trying and saying yes to new things. Seek hobbies and new, good people to add to your life.
The rabbit hole is deep, if you allow yourself to keep descending.
New hobbies and friendships are worth seeking.